


Bittersweet

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Pain, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-11
Updated: 2013-08-11
Packaged: 2017-12-23 02:57:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/921189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a bittersweet agony that accompanies moments like these.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bittersweet

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kurrren](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=kurrren).



> For [](http://kurrren.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://kurrren.livejournal.com/)**kurrren** who requested a breakup scene between Kyo and Die. Breakup sex and the sweet agony accompanied by it.  
>  Beta Readers: sakura_ame  
> Song[s]: "The Other Side" by Dexter Freebish

If I'm completely honest, I still have little to no idea how we ended up here. Things were beautiful for so long. Your smile was my light in life, your touch the highlight of my evenings. Even just one look could send shivers down my spine and make me want you like no other in the universe. And the sex... oh god the sex. We are the most glorious fit on the planet sexually. No one could ever satisfy my needs the way you have and no one will ever, _ever_ learn as many of my secrets as you have in our four years together.

But somewhere along this path we've been traveling, we diverged. I lost you in the forest of the world and you went a different direction. Granted, we still travel the career path side-by-side. We still want that same dream just as desperately. But our personal desires... the ones that hold an honest to god relationship together have split off in two very different directions. You could say I reach for the moon while you strain for the core of the earth. I can't even put my finger on the parts of this that have culminated in this. But I know for sure that while we once needed one another to even survive... we've come to a place where we need to be apart in order to stay afloat.

I crave you still... just like I have any other day since I came to realize my interest in you. And god, I still love you. My heart aches at the thought that this will be our last night together. But the truth of it is... while we were damn good together... we were better apart. Our tension built what we had, our unresolved feelings yanked the strings of the band in ways we never even understood until now. Maybe it seems foolish to part for that... but it's not really only the band that drives us back apart. No... it's the small things. Or rather, the absence of those small things. We used to share a drink and feel elated by it, sit together side-by-side on the couch and be happy with it. We used to enjoy just looking at one another and laughing because we'd caught one another. But now... these days... we know one another _too_ well. We've lived so much in one another's hip pockets that we've devoured the meaning of things between us.

And it's time... it's time we just let it all go and fly free once again. Spread the wings we've forgotten we have for the past four years and soar off the top of the highest heights of life. It's funny how I've been thinking it for months now and last night you just brought it up over our nightly tea. An off-handed comment of sorts, directed but subtle. _Why do we do this?_ Why indeed. The pointless dance of time drives far too many and I suppose at least we realized it before we'd wasted away... no... not wasted. No time with you has ever been wasted. It's been a hell of a ride and I'd hate to think of it as anything but beautiful. And given tonight, I know you feel the very same way. Some would laugh at us... think us utterly insane for what we're doing here. But it's what we need. This one last hurrah of who we are and who we have been before we part our ways.

And now... I sit here across from you over this ridiculous candlelit dinner you've created for us. It's hopelessly romantic, just like everything else you've ever done for me. I've been damn lucky to have you. I let the smile of my heart touch my lips while I watch you try to delicately eat pasta. It's the one thing I know you did on purpose. Our last meal very much the same as our first. The awkward silence, the flickering candles, and the poor selection of food given your inability to eat it without making a mess... an endearing mess, I admit. And just as the first time, I find my heart swelling with all the love in the world for you. It almost makes me want to cry, to realize we're willingly giving this away to move on... maybe forward, maybe backward... but always _on_.

You cast a look at me over the top of your wine glass and give me that million-watt smile that's always caved me into anything you wanted. I know where this is going. I knew where it was going the first time you ever pulled it out on me. Rather unlike the first time, I don't hesitate in the least. I stand up and offer you my hand. Once yours is warm within my own, I lead you down the hallway to your own bedroom and step inside, instantly upon you. The familiarity of the moment is striking. Your skin is still perfection beneath my fingertips, your mouth hot upon my skin. And the moment we collapse, naked, upon the bed, I'm already giving you the one thing I've held back from you all this time. In this last moment, I need to provide the variance... the thing to make this stand out from all the other times, and I spread myself, letting you come between my thighs.

I can feel your nerves; the way your skin jumps slightly when I stroke over it, the way your cock is already straining against my thigh with the desperation of the moment. You've always been an eager lover, never having a moment in which you weren't ready in mere seconds. I'm usually a bit slower, though no less enthusiastic. But tonight, I'm faster than you, my dick hard before we ever left the kitchen, my pulse fluttering before my back hit the sheets. Even as you push your fingers into me, stretching me, you don't say a word. It's different in that as well. You've always talked to me... always made the world revolve around our conversations and the fantastic web you weave with your verbalizations. But tonight you're silent. I'm certain you've only spoken maybe five words to me tonight and even as you slide your fingers out and replace them with your cock, I realize... this is hurting you far more than you've been trying to let on. You're trying to be half as okay as you're playing at and you're not.

I wrap myself around you, holding onto you as you thrust into me, your rhythm steady even as I can feel the hand on my hip shaking with all that you're holding back. I tug you down on me, holding you close, my hand in your hair as you rock into me again and again. I let it build, let the coil wind tighter and tighter, moment by moment. And before I know it, I'm the one losing it, thick spurts of my cum landing over my abdomen. I haven't even touched my cock at all, but I'm losing it like never before, everything shattering around me as I arch into you. I can feel your control snap and you start pounding into me, entirely overcome by the desire to follow me over the edge. And when you do, you hold me closer than before, tight against your trembling body. You still don't make a sound, not a single one, and you've always been my most verbal lover. But the moment I feel the warm wet drops begin to fall on my shoulder I understand why. You're holding it back, trying not to fall apart in my arms, and you're very nearly failing.

I wrap my arms tight around you and hold you close, my legs locking behind yours, not allowing you to leave my embrace as I stroke my hand over your hair. "I love you, Daisuke... I've always loved you and I always will."

And it's then that you lose it completely, shaking in my arms as you sob against my shoulder, letting it all out, showing me how very much this is hurting you. If I could justify it, I'd take it all back; I'd glue us back together. But I can't... _we_ can't. I kiss your cheek ever so gently, my lips pressed there as I whisper, "Find me on the other side of this, baby... when the moment is right. I'll be there, waiting on you."

Finally you speak up, your voice broken as you let out how you honestly feel about the whole thing. "I love you. But I hate you just as much right now. I hate you for giving me what I've wanted for so long as a goodbye and I hate you for telling me you'll be waiting on me when it's all falling apart. But I fucking love you and I can't... I just... I can't." And it's with those words that you stand up, swallowing hard and then turning away. "I'm going to shower and when I come out, I want you gone, Kyo. If this has to end, then we're cutting it now... before I can regret this any more than I already do."

I slip to the edge of the bed and reach down to pick up my pants, pulling them on. I've got my shirt halfway on when I hear you hit the floor with a thud. In an instant, I'm by your side, kneeling there and holding onto you as you gasp for each breath. My reaction is automatic, finding the little blue savior of a pill and pressing it beneath your tongue, calming you down in mere moments. And it's right there, holding onto you that I realize... I can't do this any more so than you. I can't walk away from you and you can't let go. I hold you tight In my arms, a choked little laugh bubbling up from inside me. "I can't, Die... I can't let you go. We can't live without one another. No matter what else happens... no matter about everything we talked about to bring us here... I can't. I need you. I don't want to leave."

Even as you go lax in my arms, the pill sliding its magic through your body, I know that half of it is my words. And when your hand clasps over mine, I recognize it for what it is. Your wordless confession, your acceptance that what I've spoken is the truth. Without one another, we are nothing. And with each other, we are the most glorious thing to grace the word love.

**The End**  



End file.
